by Bec Fary
I was at my house and it was very stormy and rainy. It was like the house but as these things always are it was modified: it was bigger and it had these strange type of awning spaces and, I don’t know, it was just a bigger place in general.
Anyway, I went outside in the rain and I was meeting X from years and years ago. We met, and she was really upset and emotional and then we kissed, five times or something. The rest of the time was us being in this awkward interaction where we caught up on odd pieces of our lives and it turned out that she was engaged to be married. I told her I had Y living with me in my house, as is the case in real life.
And it wouldn’t be very remarkable, really, except that obviously I felt really guilty for having kissed her, and when she I asked why I was feeling guilty… I didn’t feel guilty about Y.
And later in the dream I explained to Y the situation and she kind of seemed upset, but not righteously upset like you’d expect.”
“Sorry – this is dream Y?”
“Yeah, and it seemed like she understood that that was sort of ‘permitted’, and anyway it was on waking up that I felt really guilty because, you know, because I was really thinking of someone else. And it was just odd, anyway, to have been in this interaction and to have felt this guilt and for it not to have been assigned to the person that you would expect.”
“Who were you feeling guilty about?”
“I was feeling guilty for, you know, for having kissed X.”
He told me it was odd and unexpected to have felt that way, even in a dream. He said he’d assigned his guilt to someone from the past, someone he said he had no right to feel guilty towards. I said he shouldn’t feel guilty, because strange things happen in dreams sometimes. I don’t think we should be held accountable for the things our subconscious sometimes throw at us.
But he’s always had a lot of control, if not of his heart then of his mind. He said he didn’t want his dreams to be accepted as if they were inevitable. He didn’t think of the dream as something that ‘happened to him.’
He told me what he wanted:
“To become altered in a certain way so that those sorts of dreams don’t occur anymore.”
He wanted to control the direction of his affections. I had trouble accepting his view, because I don’t think our dreams necessarily reflect our waking thoughts (though they sometimes do). I still find his view, that he could control his waking thoughts and thus change the direction of his dreams, fascinating. I guess that crossover between dreams and awake is similar to some of the revelations and control we can have with lucid dreaming.
He said of his dreams:
“I want them to continue to be very sincere records of how I’m feeling. There’s the hope that with enough effort in the real world and with enough time, that shift will filter through. That’s the best than I can hope for. The fact that these dreams keep occurring mean that I’m not doing it good enough.”